A new journey

Today is my first full day of knowing that I have cancer.

The knowledge changes everything. And yet it changes nothing. I still woke up at the normal time this morning. I’m still about to go off to work. By the time I finish writing this I’ll have come home from work, probably eaten my supper as usual. There is no denying it though; today is the first full day of a new journey. A journey I never wanted to take, but one that I can not avoid.

Yesterday a consultant perched on the end of a couch in front of me and told me in a very matter of fact way that I have cancer of the prostate. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it didn’t come as a shock. It’s taken a while to get to this point. Blood tests. More blood tests. Biopsy. Waits for appointments. Waits for results. Much of that while it’s seemed the pointers were towards infection—even my response to the biopsy (huge discomfort) seemed to be suggesting infection. But by the time I walked into the consulting room yesterday, the clues were different.

When the hospital rang on Monday evening to ask me to come in  on Tuesday I was at least expecting a definitive resolution to the question. To know where I stand, and to get on and deal with it. What became clear in the moments following the news that the biopsy had found cancer is that I’m still far from that point. Now we need to find out if it has spread beyond the prostate, and that means more tests. More waits for appointments. More waits for results. More uncertainty.

And it’s the uncertainty which is the real horror in all of this. This is the journey I am embarking on. Venturing into the unknown. Out of control. Waiting for things to happen. For results to come back. For appointments to be made. For treatments to work. The shitty day that was yesterday will be just the first day of a shitty year or two. There’s a good chance at the end of all this I’ll be cured, but it’s all set to be one hell of a ride.

6 thoughts on “A new journey

  1. Sam

    Hi Chris,
    From the bottom of my heart, I wish you as gentle a ride as possible on this most challenging of journeys. May you be held and supported in every way you want and need to be. May there be angels at your back.
    Much love,
    Sam x

    Reply
  2. Janet

    Hello Chris,
    I am shocked and dismayed to read your news. You have expressed your feelings and state of mind very well. My heart goes out to you. I know several others who have endured this and triumphed and I fully expect that you will be one of them. But as you have described, it will be a shitty year or two while it is all resolved. Take good care of yourself and keep us posted.
    Your friend,
    Janet Jacobs

    Reply
  3. gordon

    Hi Chris,
    I didn’t know sites such as this existed,but a good way of geting your thoughts and experience out.
    As a men we know we have have the same anatomy and we know we can at any time feel a lump on our balls or a change to our urination,so Chris I can partially get a sense of what you are going through.Obviously its a hammer blow to you as an individual,knowing in real terms your mortality,but you are surrounded by equally mortal friends and family who totally support you through this time. Wishing you strength gordon

    Reply
  4. Karen Satherley

    Hi Soph and Chris,
    I see your beauty, strength and courage right now as my thoughts sit with you and I am moved by your honesty and wisdom…thinking of you both and sending you love and compassion, Karen xxxxx

    Reply
  5. Jo Wood

    Hi Chris,

    Thank you so much for sharing about your diagnosis on facebook and here in your blog. I am very moved by your vulnerability and humanity. I am so pleased that it can be contained and I wish you well with treatment and recovery. Your words are a real gift to us who read them and I appreciate your courage in sharing and letting us know about this time in your life.

    I hope this sharing (film link) of my son with me will make you laugh. I’m glad I made the film. The day before, I was feeling the depths of post natal depression – feeling that so much of my life has been sacrificed to bring James into the world and be his Mum – the broken sleep and endless care, but here we are laughing. He’s my third time lucky pregnancy after 1 miscarriage and an ectopic baby:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stoOrPHbsHw

    Love Jo

    Reply

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